Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, ‘from Father Christmas.‘
A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Christmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason.
‘What‘s the matter, Al?‘ I asked.
‘Ummmm, ‘replied Alex slowly, ‘I really hoped that you and Mummy would give me something for Christmas.‘
Chorus: The first thing at Christmas that‘s such a pain to me Is
ONE: Finding a Christmas tree. ****
TWO —- Husband (2): Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
THREE —— The third thing at Christmas that‘s such a pain to me: Inebriated man (3): Hangovers, 2: Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
FOUR —– The fourth thing at Christmas that‘s such a pain to me: Frustrated man (4): Sending Christmas cards, 3: Hangovers, 2: Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
FIVE —– The fifth thing at Christmas that‘s such a pain to me: Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Sending Christmas cards, 3: Hangovers, 2: Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
SIX — The sixth thing at Christmas that‘s such a pain to me: Frustrated wife (6): Facing my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards, 3: Hangovers, 2: Rigging up these lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree. ****
SEVEN —— The seventh thing at Christmas that‘s such a pain to me: Angry man (7): The Salvation Army, 6: Facing my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Sending Christmas cards, 3: Oh, Jeez! 2: I‘m trying to rig up these lights! Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
EIGHT —– The eighth thing at Christmas that‘s such a pain to me: Loud kid (8): I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS! 7: Charities 6: And what do you mean, “your in-laws“?!? Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Oh, making out these cards, 3: Edith, get me a beer, huh? 2: What? We have no extension cords?!? Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree. ****
NINE —- The ninth thing at Christmas that‘s such a pain to me: Another frustrated man (9): No parking spaces, 8: DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!! 7: Donations! 6: Facing my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Writing out those Christmas cards, 3: Hangovers, 2: Now why the hell are they blinking?!? Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
TEN —- The tenth thing at Christmas that‘s such a pain to me: Toy-commercial voice (10): “Batteries not included“, 9: No parking spaces, 8: BUY ME SOMETHIN‘!!!! 7: Get a job, ya bum!!! 6: (sobbing) Oh, facing my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards, 3: Oh, Jeez, look at this! 2: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!! Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
ELEVEN ——- The eleventh thing at Christmas that‘s such a pain to me: TV Critic (11): Stale TV specials, 10: “Batteries not included“, 9: No parking spaces, 8: I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!! 7: Charities!! 6: (sobbing) She‘s a witch! I hate her! Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Oh, I don‘t even KNOW half these people! 3: Oh, who‘s got the toilet paper? 2: Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!! Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
TWELVE —— The twelfth thing at Christmas that‘s such a pain to me: A few guys: Singing Christmas Carols, 11: Stale TV specials, 10: “Batteries not included“, 9: No parking? 8: WAAAAAAH!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! 7: Charities! 6: Gotta make ‘em dinner! Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: I‘m not sending them this year, that‘s it! 3: Shut up, you! 2: FINE!! If you‘re so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!!! Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
Schizophrenia – Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder – We Three Kings Disoriented Are
Dementia – I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas
Narcissistic – Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me
Manic – Deck The Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Offices and towns and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and…
Paranoid – Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
Borderline Personality – Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire
Personality Disorder – You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive – Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…………..
